Have you heard back from human resources, yet? I’m still trying to get an answer as to how many sexual-assault settlements I can make until I’m suspended. Ten? Twenty?
They’re still trying to figure out the penalty for Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson — he of the $230 million deal — after he recently settled 23 such suits. Six games, as a retired judge ruled and the NFLPA supports? An entire season, as the NFL seems to insist?
In the world to which we’ve been sentenced, there’d be no debate because there’d be no job. We’d be fired after one, maybe two. And good riddance for good reasons. Yet the Browns signed Watson already knowing his score. Season tickets, anyone? How ’bout a quickie — a tailgate massage?
It’s relentlessly nuts out there. This week, New York Gov. Kathy Hochul signed into law a measure that will replace “inmate” with “incarcerated person,” thus reducing soaring crime by an estimated zero percent.
In other news, Marshawn Lynch was arrested, charged with DUI while out for a 5:45 a.m. spin in the bucolic village of Las Vegas. Apparently, Lynch made the math easy for cops as he rendered his car “undriveable” by colliding with curbs.
He was additionally charged with driving an unregistered vehicle.
Lynch had a prior DUI, from 2012, reduced to a reckless driving plea and had his license revoked following a hit-and-run in Buffalo in 2008.
Still, nothing could impede his career as a TD-scoring running back who added to his fame and commercial fortune by grabbing his crotch when he scored. Apparently, those who hired him to star in Subway TV ads very much wanted their sandwiches to be associated with such a fine fellow.
As did the 2020 senior class at Princeton University. In an unfathomably pathetic act of pandering, they selected Lynch as keynote Class Day speaker, citing “Mr. Lynch’s sustained professional excellence” and “substantive work in communities standing alongside his on-field success.
“Our goal was to invite a speaker who embodies the various experiences we have shared as a community during our Princeton tenure; someone whose professional and personal passions speak to the service-focused and intellectually rigorous interests core to the University.”
And so the smartest kids in Jersey chose to make complete dopes of themselves. Woke? They were in a coma.
But it has been another “that kind of week.” As reader Mike “Chef” Soper wrote of Aaron Rodgers: “He’s not comfortable putting a thoroughly tested vaccine in his body, but was fine using psychedelic drugs in that same delicate ecosystem. I guess he couldn’t get into Logic courses at Cal.”
MLB Network on Sunday presented a salute to Vin Scully as a man of unwavering class, for 67 years placing baseball’s best foot forward.
Then class dismissed. Back to MLBN’s Rob Manfred-certified excessively immodest “Best Bat Flips,” for kids to consider as the essence of baseball.
YES’s shot-caller, John Filippelli, this week said he plans to bring back first-year Yankees analysts Carlos Beltran and Cameron Maybin — the network’s stab at instant diversity that only created instant and sustained insanity.
“I think you have to be patient with the learning curve,” he told colleague Andrew Marchand. “This is not instant coffee, where you take your water and put something in and you say, ‘Hey, we’ve got instant coffee, it’s great.’ No, this business is not like that — it takes time.”
He’s right, this isn’t instant coffee. It’s New York. It’s the New York Yankees. Or is YES a developmental league network that broadcasts to those who pay to hear beginners’ music lessons?
Speaking of New York, how do the Nets sell tickets when the underachieving team is now annually pervaded by obscenely overpaid, unhappy and uninterested superstars? Guess that Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant co-GM thing is kaput.
But is there anyone in the NBA who’s happy? Even lesser players make an average salary of about $8 million for eight or nine months’ work. Who wouldn’t be miserable?
Serena Williams says she’ll soon pack it in. Vaya con dios, Ms. Williams. She’s another who only the media, TV advertisers and indiscriminate make-the-scene yahoos think we all love.
But the sports-minded and right-headed I’ve encountered can’t stand her. They won’t be sucker-sold on a rotten winner and loser, a vulgar bully and overly self-entitled act whose social activism — I threw a fit at the chair ump on behalf of women’s rights! — is both selfish and dubious.
I can’t recall an NFL broadcast in which running back Frank Gore played, right up through his final season of 2020 with the Jets, when the TV and radio voices didn’t praise him as a class act. No evidence cited, just the same take-our-word-for-it praise.
This week, Gore was arrested, charged with assault of his female companion. He reportedly dragged her naked, by the hair, across the hallway of an Atlantic City hotel room.
Yup, as players and the team successfully encouraged fans to chant at Memphis Grizzlies games, and with Adam Silver’s indulgence, Gore is alleged to have “Whooped that trick!”
Watching the Yankees do the least they can do
To think they allow betting on games played by Gleyber Torres.
On Saturday, Torres made the last out in a 1-0 Yankees’ loss to the Cardinals, swinging at an 0-2 pitch in the dirt, then not bothering to even look toward first as the ball was still in play. Aaron Boone baseball — the least you can do is more than enough.
(On the same day, the Mets, playing Buck Showalter baseball, took a late 6-1 lead on the Braves with a suicide squeeze.)
But for all the wild baserunning errors the Yankees made in their 1-0, 13-inning loss in Seattle on Tuesday, the most inexcusably thoughtless play never made the “highlights.”
In the 12th, with the Mariners’ automatic runner on second, Torres, from second base, caught a foul pop-up off first base. He then looked around and made a lazy throw toward second, where automatic runner Sam Haggerty stood.
There was no good reason to make that throw. It could only benefit the Mariners. It was absurd — the latest in a long series.
Meanwhile, YES’s “Rah Rah” Ryan Ruocco remained fixated on selling Aaron Judge’s next scheduled at-bat. Tuesday, he piped that Judge would lead off the 13th. Don’t touch that dial!
But even as Cameron Maybin tried to tell him, with an automatic runner on second, there was no way the M’s were going to pitch to Judge. And as YES returned from commercials, Judge was already headed to first on an intentional walk.
Don’t believe what you see, believe what you’re told, continued:
Saturday against the Braves, the Mets’ Luis Guillorme hit one off the wall in right. He made a big turn toward second then backtracked to first. On SNY, Gary Cohen twice said Guillorme made the “smart move” by staying put.
But after a replay showed Guillorme not running hard to first, perhaps in anticipation of having hit a home run, irrelevant rationalizations began:
“Well remember,” said Cohen, “last night he got thrown out at the plate … so he might’ve been a little gun-shy.”
To that, Ron Darling added, “He was respectful of [Ronald] Acuna’s arm in right.”
But none of that had to do with Guillorme not running hard to first. In other words, viewers who know their lunch meats were served a bad baloney sandwich.